I’ve read many a blog post on resolutions and things people want to change/do better since January rolled in, and as positive and/or inspiring they have been, it’s made me focus on the one thing that I want but can’t have.
Yes, I’m here to be a little moody cow and put a dampener on 2016 because life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Shit happens, people dwell on things, negativity is allowed – I’m not saying it’s a good thing but I’m here to express what’s going on in my dark cloud at the moment.
To address the title of this post, the one thing I can’t have, won’t have, will ever have, is my health. I’m never going to be ‘better’, I’m forever going to live as a chronically ill person popping a truckload of medication, and although I accept it, I don’t like it. I don’t have to like it. It’s shit. I’m in pain everyday. Every. Single. Day. I’m bound to get a
little annoyed by that.
And so when I’m wished ‘happiness and health for 2016‘, it kind of pisses me off. Happiness I can do, I get that checked off a few days a week, but health, well, that’s another story.
Have you ever wanted something so bad it makes you miserable? I mean anything; a house, a car, a new phone. Let’s pick the house for example: you fixate on it, you google images, you make wish lists and scrapbooks of your ideal interior, you go bat-shit-kray on Pinterest, you write blog posts about how you’d decorate your living room; you become so consumed by the thing you want it ends up annoying you because it’s going to take years to get there. But do you know what? You will get there. If you’re determined and focused, you’ll have your house. It may be different to the one from your scrapbooks but it’ll be yours and you’ll love it.
You can’t really say the same about a heritable condition. Sure, I can do things that help me manage my pain, but when you could dislocate at any moment or have a flare-up that sets you back weeks, it’s difficult to find the positives. I like to be organised, my days are meticulously planned out but that can change in an instant because my conditions, my health is my enemy.
I’m not writing this for anyone to pity me, I’m not that kind of girl, I’m simply stating that I want to exchange my body for a working one. There’s a lot of material things that I want, I have various wish lists as long as the M6, but if I could have anything, it’d be my health.
I’m not all doom and gloom, guys, don’t worry. I turn 29 next week and it’s hit me that I’ve been in pain for sixteen years already, it’s not the greatest realisation. But, fuck it, many more
painful awesome years to come!
Please don’t ever take your health for granted.
I hope, or I could not live.
H. G. Wells