It’s been a ridiculously long time since I’ve shared some of the hilarious and often adorable things my nephew says so I thought it was about time I got onto that. If the kid doesn’t grow up to be in showbiz it’ll be a miracle.

Mum – What have you come to Nan’s for?
KP – I needed a bit of peace from my sister

Me – What did you get in your Happy Meal?
KP – Chips and a cheeseburger
Mum – You little fibber, you got chicken nuggets
Me – What toy?
KP – A giant Nerf gun
Me – How did that fit in the box?
KP – It just did
Me – Let’s see the gun then
KP – I took it home and lost all the gullets
Me – Bullets. B. B. B
KP – Gullets. G. G. G
KP – Uncle Ian, what you want for your birthday?
Ian – I don’t know
KP – I’ll get you some hair freshener if you like
*aftershave

KP – I’m going climbing for my birthday
Me – I know, it’s got obstacles like Ninja Warrior
KP – AM GONNA BE A GINGER WARRIOR. Will I fall in water?
Me – There’s no water, you’ll be fine
KP – But I can swim, I’m in Reception now

KP – It not a school night
Me – I went to school for years, I know it is
KP – You not go now, I do
Me – You’ve only gone for three days
Me – Did the kid that pushed you do it accidentally?
KP – Yeah. Accident on purpose
Me – Which one?
KP – Accident on purpose
Me – Did they mean to do it?
KP – No, they not mean it
Me – So, it was an accident
KP – I told you that
Mum – Go on, tell Auntie Sarah why you’re ringing her
KP – I love you. I love you so much
Ian – What’re you eating? Can I have some?
KP – No, you don’t have a drivers licence
Me – Can I have some since I have a drivers licence?
KP – Of course, Auntie Sarah

Me – Where’s Ty?

KP – Outside. Speaking of Ty, he’s been very sleepy today
Me – Why’re you sleeping at Nan’s again?
KP – It’s just my favourite home
Me – I’ve ordered pizza
KP – What else?
Me – That’s it
KP – What drink?
Me – I didn’t order a drink
KP – Why do you hate drinks?
KP – Auntie Sarah, have you got the ‘hair pups’?
*hiccups

KP – Have you got me and Chloe a present?
Me – Yeah, and Nan
KP – Aww, what about poor grandad?
Me – What should I get poor grandad?
KP – Maybe some hair freshener

Mum – What do you want for breakfast?
KP – *points* Them
Mum – You can’t have a cornflake cake
KP – Nan, cornflakes is cereal so I can
KP – Am just sorting out my clothes for tomorrow so I can look cool for the ducks, I don’t want to look a state
KP – Am having Monster Munch
Me – You don’t like Monster Munch
KP – Yes, I do, I love monsters and I love munch
Me – Five more minutes on the iPad
KP – Why?
Me – Because I said so
KP – I don’t like doing that, it makes me feel itchy
*KP playing in a box and box falls over* – It’s okay, am fine, am alright, am a survivor
KP – Nanny and Auntie Sarah don’t have PPI but I do
Me – Do you?
KP – Yeah
Mum – What’s PPI, Kaine?
KP – It means you got good eyesight
Mum – Tony has just been showing Kaine mountains on the iPad
KP – Yeah, and I really want to be a mountain

KP – Auntie Sarah, have you been out in the snow in your wheelchair?
Me – No bud, do you think I should?
KP – I think you might be okay because I could walk in it. You’d just need to be very careful and make sure uncle Ian goes with you
Me – Okay
KP – VERY careful
KP – Nanny, we ordered your present
Mum – Did you?
KP – Yeah, I won’t tell you what it is, it’s a secret
Mum – Okay babe
KP – It’s pyjamas
KP – I need something to eat now, a poppadom might do the trick

Me – Do me a favour, please, put this in the bin
KP – *under his breath* Why do I have to do everything?

KP – Auntie Sarah why aren’t you married?
Me – I don’t know, bud, ask uncle Ian
KP – Uncle Ian, why haven’t you married auntie Sarah?
Ian – Auntie Sarah doesn’t want to get married
KP – But why?
Me – I just don’t, mate. Do you want me to?
KP – Yeah
Me – Should I have a baby?
KP – NO. NO BABIES
The kid is the best!

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