Date:Posted By:Comments:19 CommentsCategory:back pain, chronic, chronic condition, chronic illness, chronic pain, disability, disabled, health, pain

As I lie here with my left knee heavily braced, the pain surging through my whole leg, pulsating, agonising, my mind begins to wander. I only ever voiced this a few months ago and as soon as I said it out loud, I realised how ridiculous it might sound to someone who doesn’t know me. I was amidst a bad flare and phrased a statement-like-question to my boyfriend with genuine curiosity, ‘there’s really people that wake up and aren’t in pain everyday?’

Pain is my life. It makes my decisions. It stops me from doing things. It controls me. 

I know what you’re thinking, why do I let it rule my existence? Well, I don’t, I don’t want it to. I try my best to keep it at bay. But sometimes no matter how much I pace, how little I do, I could still end up in a flare, have a dislocation, a fall. Living with chronic pain for me means that I wake up each morning in pain, I take medication to take the edge off and I do what I can to get through the day. The only guarantee I have is that I’ll be in pain, what level of intensity that pain will be, I don’t know.

Since it’s the only constant, it actually baffles me that there’s people out there that wake up each day and feel good. They’re not stiff. They’re not aching. They’re not wishing the day was over before it’s even begun. They can tackle the day. They’re excited for the day. 

For some reason this is really difficult for me to compute. Living with chronic pain for over 16 years has made me forget what it’s like to not be in pain. Even writing about it, feeling the horrible throbbing in my leg, I don’t get it. How is there people in the world without pain? What’s that like? Why am I jealous? 

The only way I can describe what it’s like from my agony-filled life, is shit. It’s really, really shit. People don’t get it, they think you’re exaggerating or they ‘know’ exactly how you feel because they sprained their ankle that one time. But until you’ve lived in chronic pain, which means all the time, you can’t really compare. 365 days, for seventeen years, this has been my life so it’s only natural I’d not remember what a pain-free day feels like. I guess it also proves that I’m a little naive to be perplexed that not everyone lives in constant pain…

Excuse this brain-dump post, I just really wanted to share.

19 Comments

  1. Tania

    Reply

    I haven't had the "how are you not in pain" thought, I think I just put it down to other people's bodies aren't broken like mine. One thing I do often ponder is "what does it feel like to not be in pain all the time?" Because I've lived with chronic pain since I was 11, I struggle to understand what it feels like to not have some form of constant pain. I suppose the flip side of that is that a lot of healthy people struggle to understand what it feels like to have chronic pain. The difference is that we don't ask pain free people stupid questions about how they cope without pain, where as they are some healthy people who think this is an acceptable question to ask us. Xx

    Tania | When Tania Talks

  2. Tania

    Reply

    I haven't had the "how are you not in pain" thought, I think I just put it down to other people's bodies aren't broken like mine. One thing I do often ponder is "what does it feel like to not be in pain all the time?" Because I've lived with chronic pain since I was 11, I struggle to understand what it feels like to not have some form of constant pain. I suppose the flip side of that is that a lot of healthy people struggle to understand what it feels like to have chronic pain. The difference is that we don't ask pain free people stupid questions about how they cope without pain, where as they are some healthy people who think this is an acceptable question to ask us. Xx

    Tania | When Tania Talks

  3. NotJustMe

    Reply

    I used to not be in constant pain. I know this is true. But I cannot for the life of me remember what it felt like.
    I can't remember making plans and actually expecting to get to do them.
    I can't remember looking at stairs without assessing their number & steepness vs my own functioning level on a given day.
    I can't remember having sex without needing at least a day to recover.
    I'm only 48. But I'm pretty sure my body is 90.

  4. NotJustMe

    Reply

    I used to not be in constant pain. I know this is true. But I cannot for the life of me remember what it felt like.
    I can't remember making plans and actually expecting to get to do them.
    I can't remember looking at stairs without assessing their number & steepness vs my own functioning level on a given day.
    I can't remember having sex without needing at least a day to recover.
    I'm only 48. But I'm pretty sure my body is 90.

  5. xoxoklee

    Reply

    Chronic pain is so different from temporary pain. It doesn't just hurt.. It's in your head that it'll be this way forever. It'll never go away. It's a different type of exhaustion having to deal with something like that on a daily basis. People who aren't sick might get what's it's like to hurt, but they'll never understand everything else that comes with it. It's not just the pain. It's depression and constant worry. And so much more! What gets me through is doing what I can to embrace my normal and live my life the best I can. Good luck & wishing you well in the future! Xoxo

  6. xoxoklee

    Reply

    Chronic pain is so different from temporary pain. It doesn't just hurt.. It's in your head that it'll be this way forever. It'll never go away. It's a different type of exhaustion having to deal with something like that on a daily basis. People who aren't sick might get what's it's like to hurt, but they'll never understand everything else that comes with it. It's not just the pain. It's depression and constant worry. And so much more! What gets me through is doing what I can to embrace my normal and live my life the best I can. Good luck & wishing you well in the future! Xoxo

  7. genevieve

    Reply

    I understand all of this so much. Mornings have always been really hard for me, I wake up and am at 9 before I have even left the bed (which some days means waiting for my pain meds to kick in so I can drag myself into my wheelchair) I think doing your best to not let your pain rule everything is REALLY important. We can't let ourselves just be "a sick person", we are each more than that even when our health dictates everything. Hang in there lady, you are not alone in these feelings and the longing to just know what ONE good morning would feel like.
    genevieve – http://www.shipwithnosails.com

  8. genevieve

    Reply

    I understand all of this so much. Mornings have always been really hard for me, I wake up and am at 9 before I have even left the bed (which some days means waiting for my pain meds to kick in so I can drag myself into my wheelchair) I think doing your best to not let your pain rule everything is REALLY important. We can't let ourselves just be "a sick person", we are each more than that even when our health dictates everything. Hang in there lady, you are not alone in these feelings and the longing to just know what ONE good morning would feel like.
    genevieve – http://www.shipwithnosails.com

  16. Sarah @ Raiin Monkey

    Reply

    This post really spoke to me! For the past week now, I've been constantly overthinking about how my life used to be and although I've been experiencing pain for 10 years now, it only hit me badly 5 years ago, but I already find it difficult to remember what it actually felt like to not be in pain. It's definitely hard not to be jealous of others, people who don't wake up in pain, go to bed in pain, are constantly in pain throughout the day and in more pain whenever they try to do something out of the house. Thankyou for sharing this post though, it reminds me that I'm not alone in my feelings and it will also be educational for people who don't struggle with chronic pain to understand just how hard it is to deal with. *hugs* x

    Sarah | Raiin Monkey

  17. Sarah @ Raiin Monkey

    Reply

    This post really spoke to me! For the past week now, I've been constantly overthinking about how my life used to be and although I've been experiencing pain for 10 years now, it only hit me badly 5 years ago, but I already find it difficult to remember what it actually felt like to not be in pain. It's definitely hard not to be jealous of others, people who don't wake up in pain, go to bed in pain, are constantly in pain throughout the day and in more pain whenever they try to do something out of the house. Thankyou for sharing this post though, it reminds me that I'm not alone in my feelings and it will also be educational for people who don't struggle with chronic pain to understand just how hard it is to deal with. *hugs* x

    Sarah | Raiin Monkey

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