(Source: Instagram @HelloSunshine)
It’s been a struggle for me these last few weeks. I’ve not opened my laptop, I’ve barely even looked at it sat on my living room floor as the thought of writing, trying to write has filled me with dread. Not only that but I’ve had zero energy.
It’s been almost three weeks since I last posted anything over here. For some that is probably nothing but to me, a writer, someone that loves spilling words on a page, it’s been torturous.
It’s been a mixture of anxiety, pain, procrastination and a shit-load of fatigue. I’ve been suffering so badly with chronic fatigue lately, it’s been kicking my arse and I’ve not been able to control it. I write at night and by the time the evening rolls in, I’m done, I have no way sitting down to write. I can’t function. I can’t make coherent sentences and I just want to not think.
And then the next day comes and the same thing happens. Or I’m in too much pain. Or I have a migraine. Or I’ve worked myself up so much that I can’t face it.
Days turn into weeks and some days I have every intention of getting some work done but it simply doesn’t transpire. And then the guilt kicks in.
I’ve cried about it. Cried because I feel like I’m failing myself. Cried because I’m not pushing myself. Cried because I feel useless. Even though I know that I physically can’t create content. Even when I can’t keep my eyes open. Even when I’m in so much pain I can’t move. I still feel guilty.
I try and have a word with myself. I try and remember that my body needs the time to rest and I can’t schedule my bad days or weeks. I can’t put this amount of pressure on myself, it’s not fair. I wouldn’t put this burden on anyone else, so why do I do it to myself? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I expect so much? And in reality, where is my blog going to go if I don’t write for a few weeks? It’ll still be here.
Even though I’m chronically ill, I still forget that I can’t keep up with everyone else and I can’t expect my body to always work. I need days of doing nothing. I need days of not having to think. I need to let my body and mind chill out or I run myself into the ground.
All this logic completely passes me by when I’m struggling though. I just think I’m crap and a failure.
(Source: Instagram @HelloSunshine)
So how do I cut myself some slack and stop feeling guilty?
Obviously, if I’m flaring and there’s no way I can work, then I don’t because my health is way more important and I need to constantly remind myself of that.
When I can, I make a list of posts that I want to write, sometimes I can have multiple ideas a day, other times I can come up with one or two a week, and that is fine. Sometimes I elaborate on my lists, adding bullet points of things I want to include and other times I don’t.
I schedule a time to work. For me, it usually starts at about 8pm because that’s when I’ve always liked to write but I’m trying to start earlier just so I can be more productive. I set an alarm on my phone and when it goes off, if I’m in pain or too tired, I give myself a day off, but if not, I try to get something done, even if it’s something as simple as a title and introduction. That way, I feel like I’ve achieved something that day.
I talk to my boyfriend and friends about it. I’m not alone in feeling this way and it is completely normal. We’re our own worst critic and it’s often really nice to hear from other people that they understand and have felt the same.
This feeling guilty thing has been something I’ve always felt and I’ve always got through it. After all, I’m here writing again. There’s no easy fix and it’s difficult to be kind to yourself but I’m learning and hopefully one day I can take a few weeks off worry-free.
Needing to rest does not make you weak – put yourself first, you got this!
Do you feeling guilty for doing nothing?