Don’t you always hear lovely things about new puppies? How adorable they are. How loving they are. How happy they are whenever you come back into a room. Puppers are all kinds of gorgeous, and as a huge doggo person, I absolutely adore all dogs, big and small, but people never tell you about the other stuff.


‘What stuff, Sarah?’

Well, let me tell you. It isn’t all puppy kisses and cutesy head tilts, no, no, my friends. Pups are bloody disgusting and nobody told me that I’d be doing some of these things.

1. Cutting dried shit out of his fur
   Teddy is super fluffy and he’s not always the most careful when he’s having a poo so on more than one occasion I’ve had to strategically take a pair of scissors to his bum-fluff and cut out chunks of dried shite. When he was very little, I was wiping his bum after sloppy poos with baby wipes as he’d leave poo stamps all over my carpet. Luckily we’ve had no poop situations in a while.
2. Cleaning dried gunk out underneath his eyes
   Like us, puppers have goo in their eyes after sleeping and Ted’s gets stuck in his fur; I literally have to scrape it out with my nails and it’s gross.
3. Feeling guilty whenever I tell him off
   I didn’t think it’d bother me to discipline him but he has such a cute little face and I don’t like it when he’s misbehaving. He’s melted my black heart.
4. Praying to whomever would listen that he’ll shut up when he was crying during the night
   Luckily we’re very much over this stage but I thought about smashing my head against a wall quite a few times, and found myself praying (I don’t pray) that he’d simmer down.
5. Digging around in his mouth for random objects he’s picked up; stones, paper, grass, sticks, anything but his toys
6. Hot puppy farts
   Holy hell, there’s nothing that smells quite as bad as this dogs arse, especially in the recent heatwave – oh my days, major vom.
7. Having a cuddle just after he’s had a wee and being soaked in piss
   It seems to be a habit of Teddy’s to want a snuggle with me after he’s been in the garden for a wee and I’m pretty sure he enjoys wiping his willy on my clothes and making me stink.
8. Food breath
   Similar to the above, after eating he always goes in for kisses and his breath is vile.
9. Having the inside of my nose licked
   I have never, ever experienced this before Teddy. He goes over the top with smooches and his tongue ends up inside my nostril, it’s the weirdest sensation. Do not recommend.
10. Nipple biting
    I don’t like wearing a bra in the house and the pup is still at his biting/nipping stage so my nipples have suffered a few times.
11. Everyone wants to speak to him whenever we go out
    The amount of strangers that come over to us and want to stroke/cuddle/speak to Teddy is wild. I’ve never socialised quite as much without Ted, and although it’s lovely, sometimes we have places to go and can’t get by his masses of fans.
12. There’s nothing more interesting to him than licking his bollocks and he won’t stop for anything
13. I spend more money on him than me
    Toys, treats, bandanas; I can’t stop buying him stuff.

I absolutely love the little guy, he’s the best thing to happen to Ian and I. And look at him, he’s absolutely gorgeous, but he’s sometimes pretty disgusting. If he could leave my nipples and nose alone and not wipe his pissy fur on me on me, I’d be very grateful.